All this judging talk flying around reminded me that the hardest place to not judge is right here at home. We know our partners probably better than anyone else and yet we are probably the hardest on them when it comes to cutting them slack. We expect them to overlook any slight we might be guilty of, but think nothing of cutting them down at every turn.
About a year ago I had been looking at some of the marriages around me that were falling apart. Hearing the complaints on both sides, I realized they were seeing only their own point of view and judging their mates harshly based on their own needs, their own wants and their own expectations.
It made me take a hard look at my own relationship with Hubby. Sure things were going so much better than they had been in past years, but did I ever really consider his interests above my own? Stick my head into his life, his expectations, his responsibilities and cut him some slack based on his perspective, not my own? Can any of us even do such a thing?
Women, have we ever really tried to imagine being born a guy, having the expectations of a guy, the competitiveness of other guys to deal with? (Sorry mom for ending with a preposition!) I spent most of my formative years with just my brother as a playmate, then as middle school approached I had two girlfriends and the rest mostly guys to hang out with and then in high school my world narrowed to almost exclusively guys. And yet, when I think about the pressures I would have to face, what would be a part of my psyche if I had been born a guy, I’m shaken to the core. I may be able to participate in their world, excel against them in all sorts of things, enjoy the things that they enjoy, but I can never understand where they are coming from inside, what drives them, the fears and responsibilities they feel that we as women never have to face.
If I end up a single mom who has to work and I fail miserably at providing well for my family – I have an excuse, people even feel bad for me and want to help me. If a man fails at providing, HE is a failure. Providing is in his dna – it’s what he lives for. (again, sorry, Mom!) I can never grasp entirely, or probably in even a small way, what each male on this earth has to live up to in order to feel successful as a man.
One woman who has declared to her husband she couldn’t possibly keep his name because she would never be a (insert his sur name here) and so she reverted back to her maiden name. She also kicked him out of the bedroom, since they conveniently had an apartment in the basement and on numerous occasions ordered him not to do things with their kids when they were younger because it made them late for school or difficult to manage.
Okay. BUT then she complains that now that the kids are grown, he doesn’t want to spend any time with her – its all work and golf and he’s just never around. Her comment was that she thought they both meant it when they said they loved each other when they got married, but they meant different things by “I love you,” and it’s just not going to work.
I confess I did not confront her with her past actions and ask her the real question . . . how could you possibly expect him to be rejected like that over and over again for years and then WANT to spend time with you?!! I felt it was rather obvious, but to her it was not. Not at all.
I am sure he has done his share to contribute to the breakdown of their marriage, but I am not privy to them, so can’t speak to it. But I have heard him say unequivocally that he would love to have his marriage work – he’s just not sure he can take much more rejection.
Another friend is a hard worker, keeps her house spotless, bends over backwards to make sure her child is taken care of, BUT . . . control is definitely out of control as an issue in her household. She wants her marriage back on track and wants him to love her and renew their relationship. But five minutes in their home at any given time gives you a vastly different impression. The roll of the eyes whenever he speaks, the nagging that gives you the impression he never does anything (or at least anything the right way) and the harsh corrections whenever he tries to tell a story give you the definite impression that he is a lessor being who is difficult to tolerate. She can’t understand why he feels unloved, and yet to him, that is all she says day in and day out.
I must note here, that I am only privy to the female side of these stories, so please don’t take it that I’m picking on women here. Men think we’re from venus and for good reason! I know beyond any reasonable doubt that men have no idea what goes on in our heads, what is important to us and our perspective on any given situation. We don’t know what’s going on in our own heads, so how’m I suppose to help my hubby figure that out, when I don’t even understand it!
How about those days where I can’t stand to have anyone within two feet of my person and if they are (and husbands tend to assume that’s okay for them, and for good reason . . . ) I am quite negative in my response. (I’m being nice here, which is definitely not what I am being in these situations!) He hasn’t done anything different. He hasn’t done anything wrong – in fact, quite often it’s the opposite – he’s being affectionate and encouraging! He just happens to be trying it on the wrong day!
Trying to wrap my head around who my husband truly is, what his needs are and how I can support him is at best a mystery. I can guess and surmise, but I can not know for a certainty who he is as a man. But I can pray that the Lord will open my eyes to his needs, soften my heart to who he is and give me the courage and fortitude to act towards him with love and grace.
Hubby is now thinking – wow, she needs courage and fortitude to be nice to me?!! It’s true. We ALL need the courage, the strength to step out beyond our own needs and wants and consider the wants and needs of someone else. What better place to start than at home? If the good Lord gave these people to me to be in my life day and day out, then doesn’t He expect me to love them fully, practicing my loving skills on them BEFORE I go out into the world and attempt to love others?
It’s so much simpler to love others. They don’t squeeze the toothpaste from the wrong end, forget to empty the trash, leave their clothes in a stream across the house . . . in short if we can master loving the people we have PROMISED to love, the ones who rub us the wrong way daily simply because they are in our path DAILY, then loving the rest of the world is a piece of cake! When I am able let go of everyday irritations that for years I have held onto, grumbled about, embarrassed my loved ones with regaling tales of their irritating ways and in humbleness learn to gloss over their many “wrongs,” THEN I am prepared to deal with loving the rest of the world. And, by the way, the glossing over of many wrongs is actually part of the definition of love in scripture.
How much more am I able to love my husband and my children when I look at them with eyes not blurred by all the petty little things I have been hanging onto and see them more and more as the precious people God loves with all His being – enough to die for them! And then, that grace pours out through me to people outside my home circle. Not the easy ones to love, the ones we love to love, but the ones who are unlovely, who perhaps smell, or never say the right things, always tearing me down and insulting me. The ones Christ also died for who desperately need to hear that they are loved and to begin to learn how to love by my example of love towards them.
So here’s my challenge to you – and to myself each and every day. Take stock of how much time you spend really caring about your spouse, really wanting to encourage them, get to know them, enable them to become the person they are aspiring to be and – once you’ve gotten over the shock of how much you don’t love or know them – ask the One who knows them the best to show you how to be the spouse that you should be for them. Look for Him to reveal who they are to you and be prepared to work hard at seeing them through the eyes of love and not through our own prejudiced, self absorbed perspective.
Let me know how you progress or tell me I’m out to lunch. Give me some feedback here – I am tired of the spam! ; ) Show me a little love, eh?
